Its amazing to think back to when it was just Hector and I. going back too when he was born, the day I left the hospital with my baby. Then it all seemed so unreal it was day and nights spend at the hospital with him. Who can forget the day I took him to his 2 month shots, I was so nervous and not wanting to be there. Who wants to be somewhere were there going to make their beautiful baby cry? I’m sure not one of those person’s that wants to see that and I’m sure no mom out there is. I took my mom with me to his shots, my mom I don’t know what I would have done without her in this long journey I had with Hector. So then the nurse came in and she did it made my baby feel pain! I literally wanted to punch her in the face! I remember crying my eyes out when my baby started to cry. The words she told me after she saw me cry were words I was never going to forget ever. She looked at me and said “Honey watching your kid get shots is not the end of the world. There is worse things in life that can happen to them. So save those tears for when they are necessary.” boy was she right.
Then we fast forward time to when I take Julian to his 2 month shots. Of course I’m dreading it as I expected! So we get there in the nurse is ready to give his shots to him, I’m holding him down like they have you do. So there goes my Julian crying, screaming his little but off in pain because of his shots. My poor baby is all I could think of but wait no tears? “Why am I not crying?” starts going threw my head. As I pick up Julian to hold him and let him know mommy is there I still kept asking myself the same question over and over. On the way home I just kept thinking about it I just couldn’t get it out of my head.
Once we got home I sat down once I put Julian to sleep and started thinking about why I did not cry like I did when Hector got his shots. Do I not love Julian the same as I did Hector? Was I a bad mom for only feeling Hector’s pain and not Julian’s? All this thoughts just started flooding my mind and I felt so overwhelmed with them. Was it that I didn’t love Julian as much as I did Hector or was it that after everything I went threw with Hector made me a stronger person and better to hide my emotions.
I think everything I saw Hector go threw made me stronger and a harder person. Seen him get poked at with needles after needles and surgery after surgery, medicine after medicine, getting infection after infection. I think that’s enough for any mom to grow tougher skin. Is it bad that it still makes me feel bad and like there is something wrong with me towards what I feel for Julian? I guess I just feel as if Julian has a complete different mom as Hector did. I really do wish he could have the mom Hector had the happy one all the time the loving one the one that cries with them when there not feeling good. That’s the mom I should be for Julian also. Is this new me not showing Julian the love I have for him? Do I hug and kiss him all the time? Do I tell him I love him? Do I hold him tight and just tell him how special he is to me? I did all this with Hector and im doing it with Julian but am I doing it enough?
So brings me back to why I feel at such a lost with a simple cold Julian has. Do I not know how to take care of Julian? I mean I took care of Hector with much worse things. Do I just not know how to take care of Julian like I thought I did? Am sure this is all just so many mixed feelings i'm having but it is hard and scary. On days like this I really wish their was a manual on grief that I can go to and find my answers.
I know that I know what to do with Julian since he sick. I guess am more scared of letting him down and making him feel unloved. I know god well give me the strength to get this thoughts out of my head and make me feel like the best mom once again.
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