BAD MOM?

Well my weekend was not the best one since I have my Julian. He is sick and I’m at a lost. After caring for my oldest son for almost 3 years before he passed away, I feel at a lost with a simple cold. Its weird how different things are now. Its been almost 7 months since I lost my Hector and things are so different in our lives at this point.
Its amazing to think back to when it was just Hector and I. going back too when he was born, the day I left the hospital with my baby. Then it all seemed so unreal it was day and nights spend at the hospital with him. Who can forget the day I took him to his 2 month shots, I was so nervous and not wanting to be there. Who wants to be somewhere were there going to make their beautiful baby cry? I’m sure not one of those person’s that wants to see that and I’m sure no mom out there is. I took my mom with me to his shots, my mom I don’t know what I would have done without her in this long journey I had with Hector. So then the nurse came in and she did it made my baby feel pain! I literally wanted to punch her in the face! I remember crying my eyes out when my baby started to cry. The words she told me after she saw me cry were words I was never going to forget ever. She looked at me and said “Honey watching your kid get shots is not the end of the world. There is worse things in life that can happen to them. So save those tears for when they are necessary.” boy was she right.
Then we fast forward time to when I take Julian to his 2 month shots. Of course I’m dreading it as I expected! So we get there in the nurse is ready to give his shots to him, I’m holding him down like they have you do. So there goes my Julian crying, screaming his little but off in pain because of his shots. My poor baby is all I could think of but wait no tears? “Why am I not crying?” starts going threw my head. As I pick up Julian to hold him and let him know mommy is there I still kept asking myself the same question over and over. On the way home I just kept thinking about it I just couldn’t get it out of my head.
Once we got home I sat down once I put Julian to sleep and started thinking about why I did not cry like I did when Hector got his shots. Do I not love Julian the same as I did Hector? Was I a bad mom for only feeling Hector’s pain and not Julian’s? All this thoughts just started flooding my mind and I felt so overwhelmed with them. Was it that I didn’t love Julian as much as I did Hector or was it that after everything I went threw with Hector made me a stronger person and better to hide my emotions. 
I think everything I saw Hector go threw made me stronger and a harder person. Seen him get poked at with needles after needles and surgery after surgery, medicine after medicine, getting infection after infection. I think that’s enough for any mom to grow tougher skin. Is it bad that it still makes me feel bad and like there is something wrong with me towards what I feel for Julian? I guess I just feel as if Julian has a complete different mom as Hector did. I really do wish he could have the mom Hector had the happy one all the time the loving one the one that cries with them when there not feeling good. That’s the mom I should be for Julian also. Is this new me not showing Julian the love I have for him? Do I hug and kiss him all the time? Do I tell him I love him? Do I hold him tight and just tell him how special he is to me? I did all this with Hector and im doing it with Julian but am I doing it enough?
So brings me back to why I feel at such a lost with a simple cold Julian has. Do I not know how to take care of Julian? I mean I took care of Hector with much worse things. Do I just not know how to take care of Julian like I thought I did? Am sure this is all just so many mixed feelings i'm having but it is hard and scary. On days like this I really wish their was a manual on grief that I can go to and find my answers.
I know that I know what to do with Julian since he sick. I guess am more scared of letting him down and making him feel unloved. I know god well give me the strength to get this thoughts out of my head and make me feel like the best mom once again.

Letter To Hector

Dear Hector,

As I sit here on the computer and see all this pictures and videos of you my heart once again breaks. I hate this feeling I feel every time I think of you I wish every time I think about you that it wouldn’t be this painful. I thought I should write to you this letter because I have a lot of things I wish I could tell you. So I thought a letter would be great.

You know your little brother came two months after you left. His such a good baby, happy all the time and hardly ever cries. I wish you could have been here I try to imagine how you were going to be as a big brother im sure you were going to be great! I’m sure you were going to be like any other kid your age who gets a new sibling a little bit jealous of not having mommy and daddy’s attention all the time. Even though once you got use to the idea of you little brother im sure you were going to big the best big brother in the world. He looks so much like you at times but he is also so different in many ways.

All I can do is wish that one day well be all together and you’ll get to meet him. For now all I can do is imagine you and him together in my dreams. How you guys were going to play together. People tell me that maybe you do come and play with him I wish I knew if you did or didn’t. only you and him know that. I hope you do though.

I want you to know that I love you very much and miss you more each day more then the other. It hurts me to think about everything you went threw in short life. So to that baby im sorry your time here was full of hospital visits and keeping you away from everything and everyone. As your mom I wish I could have done more for you. Made your life a little bit more pleasant and without all this problems you had. Everyone tells me I gave you the best of everything and that I gave you all my love and didn’t care to spend all my time with you at the hospital. I still don’t think that’s enough like I said I wish there was more I could have done. You were here for such a short time baby that I cant help but think this way. Why did it have to happen to you? Why did you have to been born with that nasty immune disorder that no one knew about. Why you?? Those are questions ill never get an answer to and it kills me little by little not knowing.

I’m writing this letter to you mostly because I want to say im sorry. Sorry for ever telling you no to something. Sorry if I didn’t get to you quick enough when you were hurting or just wanted mommy. Sorry I kept you so sheltered from the world. Sorry that thanks to me and you dad you were born with that disorder. I’m sorry I wasted time on other things instead of you. I’m sorry if you ever felt scared and I wasn’t there to hug and comfort you. I’m just so very sorry that your not here with me no more. I wish I can go back and instead of doing other things I could spend every minute with you and just be able to hold you in my arms forever and never have to let you go.

When well I ever get to hold you again or kiss you? I wish I knew maybe it well give me something to look forward to. I know your enjoying your life up in heaven free of pain something I wish I could’ve gave to you here. You must be one beautiful angel up there oh how I wish I could see you. Well I wish you could respond to my letter but I know that’s impossible. Well I love you sweet baby and once again im sorry for everything bad in your life that I wasn’t able to take away. Just know I love you and I tried my hardest to make your life the best one and I hope you had almost 3 wonderful years with us because I sure did. You left me so many memories ill treasure for the rest of my life. I love you!!

With so much love and pain,

YOUR MAMI

                               XOXO

Getting to know me

Hello.

First of I just wanted to let everyone know that this is my first post, actually my first Blog also. I really wanted something were i can just let my feelings all out. So I'll start of by letting everyone get to know me. I'll try to make it short.

I am  23 years old (well be 24 in march), I just got married this Friday (yay). I currently live in Houston but grew up in Napa, California. I have four brothers and no sister (Bummer). I love reading, walks, family time, church, being a SAHM  but most of all I love my sons.  Oh I just realized I haven't mentioned my name oops!! Well my name is Angeles but most people call me Angel.

So i'll start of with letting ya'll I am a mother of two boys. They are the best thing that i have (had) in my life. They are My Hector and My Julian. I put had because I only have my Julian with me. My first born passed away about 6 months ago. Oh how i miss him so much. He was a very happy boy had a smile that melted your heart. He was 3 months short of being 3  years old. He was born with a very rare immune disorder. Doctors really didn't know much about it  and didn't really know how to treat it. So they decided a Bonemarrow Transplant was the best option but it came with a lot of risks since he was alrwady very sick. We decided to do it because we wanted to give him a chance to be with us and to experince this crazy world we live in. After he got his transplant everything was going great and we all thought soon he would be like any normal kid his age. That's all we wanted for him. Then he started with really bad cough that they tried treating but nothing was working. So they did a Lung Biopsy to try to figure what was going on. 

The day I took him in for the procedure was the last day I saw him walking, playing, or just being himself. The procedure went great and he did fine woke up with no problems. As the days past he started getting worse instead of better. His caugh was at its worst and he started needing oxygen. Then one night it was so bad that evn a simple thing like drinking water hurt him. It breaks My heart  thinking about that day he would ask for water and he couldn't even drink it. That night he needed more oxygen then they Could give him in the BMT unit. So they took him down to The  PICU  and that would be the last time My Baby would ever call me MOMMY. They had to intubate him and with his caugh they had to give him medacation to paraliyze him so he wouldnt caugh. Then on june 26 they let him wake up for a while he opened his eyes for the very last time. Four days later he passed away. 

I'll never forget that day. The way all of a sudden the doctors came in and told me that there was nothing else they could do for him. After they told me this it was just 2hours before he left me forever. I sat next to his bed holding his little feet and hand and talked to him threw his passing. I told him not to be afraid that mommy wasen't going to be with him no longer but he was going to be with someone better. That were he was going was beautiful and to not be scared. Watching him pass away was the hardest thing of my life. I felt so hopeless the min he passed away he took a piece of my heart that i'll never have back. I wait for the day we meet again. 

Then just 2short months later My Julian was born. to bring a little sunshine into my world. God does amazing things that well never understand. Julian is my example of that he came at a time when i had nothing to live for and thought I would never be happy again. His my reason to wake up everyday. He keeps me going and makes my life a little bit easier to deal with. To be honest I don't know were I would be today if I didn't have him with me. I love him to pieces just as much as i love his big brother they mean everything to me. 

Well never understand God's decisions for us but we always know thar he'll help us get threw everything he lays out in front of us. I am thankful for my FAITH because its wat makes me get threw everything in my life.

-ANGEL-